I’m going through a hard time, so I’m writing about my feelings and thoughts.
I suffered a betrayal a year ago. For six years I was in a committed relationship with someone very special. We met young, so we’ve grown up together through our early adulthood. When things weren’t well between us last year, he left me.
I wasn’t prepared for the abandonment, fear, and heartbreak that followed. It was my first time being alone, and I didn’t think I could do it. Depression set in, and it was a struggle to wake up every morning and function. I lost myself in the relationship, and when he broke up with me, it felt like he took my identity with him.
A few months passed and I began to feel better. I’d moved out of our place with a few boxes and my kitty cat, with nowhere to go and no job to support me. Despite these setbacks, I managed to get my own place for the first time and freelance to make ends meet. Family and friends stepped in to lift me when I could no longer stand. Everything was a struggle, but I was getting to know myself through the chaos.
Being alone was a terrifying experience. I would cry myself to sleep every night because I wished he was sleeping by my side. I’d wake up and realize he wasn’t there.
At some point, I met someone that helped me transition from heartbreak to acceptance. I was attracted to him, but it was nothing more than just friends. Something awful happened one night that helped me see who this guy really was, and it left me disappointed. The following day, I checked my email and found a message from my ex. He wanted to see me.
Before this message, I’d had several close encounters with him. And every time we managed to go by unnoticed. It was a shock to see him in the flesh again after struggling for months to rebuild my life. I assumed he was happy with his new love, and it wasn’t in my place to talk to him again. His email was sent to the trash by default. I was going to manually empty the trash, but decided to double-check. When I saw his name, I thought I’d trash it forever. I called him immediately.
We met each other for the first time during Christmas. It was a strange experience to stand before the man who abandoned me. We talked to each other like old friends catching up, and told each other the stories of the past five months we were apart.
As we continued seeing each other the following month, I tried to be thoughtful about what I was doing. The breakup changed me, and I thought that seeing him again meant that I’d moved past the betrayal and forgiven him. I knew I needed more time on my own, but I couldn’t stop him from being a part of my life again. In February we became official and a few months he moved in to my place.
I knew this was happening very fast. His reappearance was unexpected, and I was just beginning to heal. But we did it anyway because we loved each other. We’ve been living together for a few months, and there was a period of time where I felt confident about our relationship. We were making a lot of progress and planning our future together. But suddenly, something didn’t feel right, and I’ve spent the last month figuring out what was wrong. I kept these thoughts and feelings to myself because I wanted to be certain about them before telling him. As the month dragged on, I became increasingly angry and anxious. I didn’t understand what was wrong, and it made me afraid.
I finally broke down and told him everything that I felt and knew. It’s been a difficult few days because I’m still unsure what any of these thoughts and feelings mean. I just know that, every day when I wake up, it’s a struggle to function. I’m overwhelmed by depression and heartbreak, but this time he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me.
I’ve realized that I can’t love him how I used to, and I’m having a hard time coming to grips with that. I’m blindsided by this realization, and it’s tearing us apart. I’m grieving the same way when he broke my heart. I feel stuck. I can’t breathe. I want to run away from this unbearable pain. I don’t want to let him go. Why can’t I love the most important person in my life as I did before?